Meet the Feebles

I had the CNN YouTube republican debates on while I was at work. Sadly, the cable here doesn't carry Bravo, so I have to wait for one of the infinite repeats to watch Project Runway.

It was like every one of my drunk uncles got a suit and podium. Guns good! Brown people bad! Taxes bad! Hulk smash! O wait...the Hulk is a being of color, bad analogy. Surge surge surge! Send Hillary to Mars! (Sadly, I agree with that one.) Gays aren't even 3/5ths of a person! But Mike Hukabee wants their votes because they probably hate brown people too. I'm guessing that's what he means when he talks about shared values and principles that make us republican.

It's frightening to watch these hateful old white men trying to outdo one another to be the scariest and craziest. They have all the appeal of televangelists and chancre-ridden whores. Whores, however, have enough integrity not to behave as though they're fucking you because they like you. As long as they don't ooze on me, I can deal with whores.

Because It's Sunday

It's hard to know where to even start with this...because it's abusrd (which is why I love it)...eh...I'll just cut and paste the relevant info here...thanks AP for doin the heavy lifting.

Scandal Brewing at Oral Roberts U

TULSA, Okla. (AP) — Twenty years ago, televangelist Oral Roberts said he
was reading a spy novel when God appeared to him and told him to raise $8
million for Roberts' university, or else he would be "called home."

Now, his son, Oral Roberts University President Richard Roberts, says God is speaking again, telling him to deny lurid allegations in a lawsuit that threatens to
engulf this 44-year-old Bible Belt college in scandal.

Richard Roberts is accused of illegal involvement in a local political campaign and lavish spending at donors' expense, including numerous home remodeling projects, use of the university jet for his daughter's senior trip to the Bahamas, and a red Mercedes convertible and a Lexus SUV for his wife, Lindsay.

She is accused of dropping tens of thousands of dollars on clothes,
awarding nonacademic scholarships to friends of her children and sending scores
of text messages on university-issued cell phones to people described in the
lawsuit as "underage males."

[snip...just like the covenant of Abraham]

Among the charges of impropriety and misconduct are these doozies

_ A longtime maintenance employee was fired so that an underage male friend
of Mrs. Roberts could have his position.

_ Mrs. Roberts — who is a member of the board of regents and is
referred to as ORU's "first lady" on the university's Web site — frequently had
cell-phone bills of more than $800 per month, with hundreds of text messages
sent between 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. to "underage males who had been provided phones at
university expense."

_ Mrs. Roberts spent more than $39,000 at one Chico's clothing store
alone in less than a year, and had other accounts in Texas and California. She
also repeatedly said, "As long as I wear it once on TV, we can charge it off."
The document cites inconsistencies in clothing purchases and actual usage on
TV.

_ University and ministry employees are regularly summoned to the
Roberts' home to do the daughters' homework.

_ The university and ministry maintain a stable of horses for exclusive
use by the Roberts' children.

_ The Roberts' home has been remodeled 11 times in the past 14
years.

Because It's Sunday

If you don't know the site Baptists For Brownback, check it out. It's one of the funniest pieces of parody I've found in a while. Here's a snippet of their Sunday Morning Prayer for the Children.

Dear Lord,

Our little ones will head off to school in the morning with brand new book bags, crayons, pencils, and tablets.

The lucky ones will be going to a private school where they will be taught by God-fearing, America-Loving educators who believe that a child’s mind is a terrible thing to waste. Sadly, the children from lower-income homes will be herded off to that den of iniquity known as the Public School System.

There they will be taught awful things and horrible lies, that no innocent little child should ever hear such as how their great-great-great-great grandparents were primates, that it’s OK to be Gay, that condoms and not abstinence prevent pregnancy, and that our Commander in Chief, President George Walker Bush, is a buffoon with a personal agenda.

[snip]

If it is your will, Papa Lord, close these babies minds to the left-wing lunacy that they will be exposed to and let this next generation our Your children grow up to be Right-Wing Christian Fundamentalists and staunch Republicans.

Truly, it's an anointed website.

Schadenfreude, Dude Looks Like a Lady Edition

Caught sight of this at Americablog this morning. O, those wacky Baptists.

From the WTOP website (what fabulous call letters considering the story.)

Minister Charged With Indecent Exposure

JOHNSON CITY, Tenn. (AP) - The minister of a Baptist church has been charged with indecent exposure and driving under the influence, and police officers say he propositioned them.

Tommy Tester, 58, of Bristol, Va., was wearing a skirt when he was arrested last week after allegedly urinating in front of children at a car wash, police said.

Police also said Tester offered to perform oral sex on officers who were sent to the scene.

Authorities identified Tester as the minister of Gospel Baptist Church in Bristol and an employee of Christian radio station WZAP-AM in Bristol.

There was no immediate response Tuesday to calls to the church and Tester's home.

WZAP issued a statement Monday asking for prayers and saying Tester had been suspended during an investigation.

"We pray this matter can be quickly resolved," WZAP owner Al Morris said in the statement.

Tester was released Friday on $1,000 bail. A hearing is scheduled for Oct. 25.

And WGAL has a little more info missing from WTOP's report. (WGAL? WTOP? It's the little things that make me happiest.)

Minister In Skirt Charged With Indecent Exposure

Police Say Man Urinated In Front Of Kids, Offered Oral Sex To Cops

A report also accuses Tester of offering police officers oral sex and says an open bottle of vodka and empty oxycodone prescription bottle was found in his car when Tester was arrested Friday.
Authorities identified Tester as the minister of Gospel Baptist Church in Bristol and an employee of Christian radio station WZAP-AM, also in Bristol. WZAP issued a statement asking for prayers and saying Tester has been suspended during an investigation.

Because It's Sunday

It's startling what you get when you google image search with "cowboy jesus." Sadly the line art image of a bronc rider juxtaposed with the three crosses atop Calvary was unavailable.

~*~

Haven't done one of these in a while.

Is this satire? Parody?

Heliocentrism is an Atheist Doctrine

What’s even worse than the debate raging in American schools about the teaching of the soulless doctrine of evolution, is the non-debate over an issue that rational Americans have foolishly conceded to the secular among us: the issue of Heliocentrism, or the idea that the Earth revolves around the Sun.

Now, it has to be granted that there may be some mathematical evidence going either way; mathematically speaking, Copernicus may be on ground nearly as firm as that of Tycho Brahe. Right-thinking people know the correct doctrine, however:

Heliocentrism is the view that the sun is at the center of the universe. It was proposed by some ancient Greeks,[1] and became the dominant view in the 1700s and 1800s. It was abandoned in the 20th century.

Since the advent of relativity theory in the early 1900s, the laws of physics have been written in covariant equations, meaning that they are equally valid in any frame. Heliocentric and geocentric theories are both used today, depending on which allows more convenient calculations

It seems clear that it may occasionally be convenient to assume that the calculations of Copernicus and Kepler were mathematically sound. However, for both moral and theological reasons, we should always bear in mind that the Earth does not move. If it moved, we would feel it moving. That’s called empiricism, the experience of the senses. Don’t take my word for it, or the evidence of your own senses, Copernicans. There’s also the Word of the Lord:

“He has fixed the earth firm, immovable.” (1 Chronicles 16:30)

“Thou didst fix the earth on its foundation so that it never can be shaken.” (Psalm 104:5)

“The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.” (Ecclesiastes 1:5)

[snip]

I support the Bible, and I don’t want my children learning about Heliocentrism in school. I think this doctrine encourages atheism, Darwinism, and anti-Americanism. I don’t want my tax dollars going to finance this kind of false science. It’s complete rot, and I hope that those of us who come to realize this can ultimately prevail against its propogation amongst OUR children with the money from OUR salaries.

I can’t wait to hear from the moonbats and the Darwinists and the other rubes on this one, though. Go on, witch doctors. Preach to me how the planet hurtles through the ether, Scriptural and physical evidence to the contrary! Your false doctrines will be cast down on the day when America rediscovers its Christian roots. That is a promise.

Nope. It's from GOPer Sam Brownback's supporters. Praise!
There's more at the link if you can take it.

~*~

And here's an intrepid lil 8th Grader out to use a paper towel to prove part of the theory of evolution is wrong. He should be able to disprove all of it before his armpits are fully haired. He needs to team up with Mr. Anti-Heliocentrism and take over NASA.

Brian Benson, an eighth-grade student who won first place in the Life Science/Biology category for his project "Creation Wins!!!," says he disproved part of the theory of evolution. Using a rolled-up paper towel suspended between two glasses of water with Epsom Salts, the paper towel formed stalactites. He states that the theory that they take millions of years to develop is incorrect.

"Scientists say it takes millions of years to form stalactites," Benson said. "However,in only a couple of hours, I have formed stalactites just by using paper towel and Epsom Salts."

Pharyngula takes this whole bs apart here.

~*~

From the Denver Post.

Lightning damages Jesus statue

A bolt broke off an arm and a hand and damaged a foot at the Mother Cabrini Shrine in Golden. The sisters hope the 22-foot piece can be repaired.

Don't look for any religious symbolism here - it was only a freak act of Mother Nature, says Sister Ilaria.

The nuns at Mother Cabrini Shrine in Golden were thanking God on Sunday that no one was hurt when a bolt of lightning shot out of the sky and struck their 33-foot statue of Jesus.

The lightning bolt broke off one of Jesus' arms and a hand and damaged one of his feet, sending marble plummeting to the ground during a Saturday afternoon storm.

"There were pilgrims up there on the hill," Sister Ilaria said. "The biggest miracle is no one got hit with the falling debris."

The statue of Jesus, which had one hand pointing to his "sacred heart" and the other outstretched, sits atop a mountain near the shrine in the foothills of Golden. Drivers on Interstate 70 can see the statue in the hills, and at night, light illuminates the white marble.

What's the difference between an act of Nature and an act of God, again? Or is your invocation of "Mother Nature" simple heresey, Sister Ilaria?

~*~

I'm Afraid of Americans, redux.

According to a new Gallup Poll, nearly 1 in 3 Americans believe that the Bible is the "literal word of God."

Yea...just gonna leave it at that.

Yeesh...

So Much Crazy II: Dead White Bigot Edition

Hey--didja hear? Jerry Falwell died. I was imed that three times in less than 2 minutes.

And I've been scolded twice for being less than gracious regarding his passing.

The fact that such a hateful man (he did, after all, make Larry Flynt look sympathetic) could wrap himself in "god" and attain national prominence and influence is a surer sign of moral paucity and societal backsliding than a couple of leather bears kissing while a flotilla of drag queens toss rubbers from sparkly floats. The sad truth is his passing means nothing. His death, like the death of single termite, merely creates space for another just like him to take his place.

Some of his greatest hits:

I do not believe that God answers the prayer of any unredeemed Gentile or Jew.

After the September 11, 2001, attacks Falwell said on the 700 Club, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" ( PatRobertson concurred).

I listen to feminists and all these radical gals - most of them are failures. They've blown it. Some of them have been married, but they married some Casper Milquetoast who asked permission to go to the bathroom. These women just need a man in the house. That's all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they're mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They're sexist. They hate men - that's their problem.

The true Negro does not want integration...He realizes his potential is far better among his own race...We see the hand of Moscow in the background...We see the Devil himself behind it...It will destroy our race eventually...In one northern city, a pastor friend of mine tells me that a couple of opposite race live next door to his church as man and wife ...It boils down to whether we are going to take God's Word as final

Herpes, AIDS, venereal diseases ... are a definite form of the judgment of God upon a society.

Homosexuality is Satan's diabolical attack upon the family that will not only have a corrupting influence upon our next generation, but it will also bring down the wrath of God upon America.


AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals.

AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.

If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.

Textbooks are Soviet propaganda.

I truly cannot imagine men with men, women with women, doing what they were not physically created to do, without abnormal stress and misbehavior.

I think the Moslem [sic] faith teaches hate.

Falwell tells a pastors' conference in Kingsport, Tenn., that the Antichrist prophesied in the Bible is alive today and "of course he'll be Jewish."

[Tinky Winky] is purple - the gay-pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay-pride symbol.

I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be.

Update: Montgomery Maxton commemorates JF's passing in high style.
Update the Second: more can be found here.

Mistah Christ, He Dead.

Sometimes the conservative pundit Andrew Sullivan just pisses me off. Even when I disagree with him, I can at least respect the intellectual honesty of the position he espouses. This is not one of those times. He has a post on his site, Dean on Easter, taking to task DNC Chairman Howard Dean's recent Easter message. Below is Sullivan's post in full:

As readers know, I'm a secularist, which is not the same as being an atheist. (Yes, Mr O'Reilly, I'm talking to you.) But even I'm alarmed by the ways in which many politicians on the left go out of their way not to accord Christianity the same kind of respect they would accord any other faith. Howard Dean's DNC Easter message is a classic. Easter is not about redemption for people of all faiths. It's about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Between the Christianism of much of the GOP and religious cluelessness of many Democrats, it's no wonder cultural polarization continues.

I shot him an email about this earlier this evening (after having Brian vet it...I can be a little over-the top sometimes and he's good at telling me when I need to rein in) but I really doubt Sullivan will post the email. And I want my reaction out there.

Why? Maybe because his post and the one he links to just strike me as intellectually lacking and dishonest. Currently, he doesn't allow comments on his blog or I'd post this there--his justification for that is here--that's his prerogative. I'm sure it would change the tenor of his blog if he had people commenting and posting and questioning his posts. The internets can be dangerous territory, especially when people point out you're wrong.

So here's my problem with the post on a simply surface matter: it's essentially misleading. See that hyperlink that says Easter message? It falls in the sentence right after Howard Dean's DNC? Now, logically, you would assume due to simple proximity that that link would lead you to a text of Howard Dean's Easter Message, right? No! That's crazy thinking! You get routed instead to a post at the Rothenberg Political Report by someone named Nathan L. Gonzales (I'll get back to this post and him further down; really, it's a doozey.)

So, Sullivan is dismayed by the fact that Democrats don't extend Christianity the same kind of respect they do other religions? Here's the full text of Dean's offending, clueless message:

“Easter Sunday is a joyful celebration. The holiday represents peace, redemption and renewal, a theme which brings hope to people of all faiths. During this time Christians are called to remember who they are as people of faith, and that even the greatest of evils will not have the last word. It is also a time to reflect upon and be in solidarity with those who are persecuted and suffering among us. We should also use this time to honor those who continue to make incredible sacrifices for us, including our brave men and women in the armed forces serving overseas during this holiday. I would like to wish all those celebrating around the world this Sunday, a joyous Easter.”

Where is this message not extending Christianity the same respect it extends other religions? Granted, it's a broad, ecumenical message. But it is essentially sound. Do we specifically need to explicitly name-check Jesus and his suffering on the cross? Is it clueless that Dean also manages to acknowledge Easter's non-christian roots? Is it clueless that he reminds us of Christ's own basic admonishments in just a couple of sentences? If Sullivan has a problem with the DNC message in toto shouldn't he provide a link to his readers, allowing them the opportunity to read the short paragraph and make their own judgement call?

I am surprised (and disappointed) that he baldly asserts "Easter is not about redemption for people of all faiths. It's about the resurrection of Jesus Christ." He is someone who often discusses his own Catholicism and religious beliefs with eloquence, nuance and grace (if occasionally being self-congratulatory while doing it.) And frankly, that statement is just too blunt to do his other writing service. He misses completely (purposefully?) the phrase Dean uses: "The holiday represents peace, redemption and renewal, a theme which brings hope to people of all faiths." Notice Dean does NOT say that Easter is about redemption for all faiths. He notes that the themes we celebrate at Easter bring hope to people of all faiths. Two very different things. A woefully sloppy reading job on Sullivan's part. Technically, Easter is, on its face, about the resurrection of Jesus. But the ressurection is only part of the entire story. He seems to be evading a simple matter I remember hearing in church: why did Christ come to Earth as a man and die? And why should only Christians appreciate or be reminded of those virtues at Easter? Last I checked, Christians didn't hold a monopoly on them.

Onto my issues with his linking to the Rothenberg Report post. Fundamentally, it's a shoddy piece of writing. By citing it, Sullivan's own intellectual rigor is diminished. Truly, the piece is just bad writing. It's riddled with errors (formatting, misspellings and possessive pronoun problems) that are just embarrassing in what I take to be a professional opinion piece. I'd also argue about the intellectual validity of the piece's essential argument:

Frankly, Webster's New World Dictionary [sic] , which is not regarded as a particularly spiritual or political source, has a better definition of Easter: "an annual Christian festival celebrating the resurrection of Jesus."

Students of rhetoric take note: if you want to be taken seriously, don't qualify or impeach your own source's credibility. And for the love of Strunk and Wagnall, at the very least spellcheck. And if you're using a phrase like "en masse" don't rely solely on spellcheck to make sure it's right...too many of these mistakes can (and obviously do in this case) slip through. Once that happens, and you have a body of errors, you forfeit all credibility. And honestly, relying on a dictionary definition as your support? That's a trope straight out of a mediocre English 101 assignment. And he uses Webster's New World to boot (Mr. Gonzales, titles should be italicized.) Did the other dictionaries offer too much nuance for your liking? (I'm not going to get into that sort of pedantry...but I'll allude to it. You can click the link and read the definitions from a variety of sources.) I won't quibble overmuch, it's the closest thing to objective fact in the piece and the source supports his limited defining aims (while his own rhetoric torpedoes it.) Actually, the dictionary citation isn't too bad, considering that his only other supporting source is this quote:

"This press release, absent any reference to Jesus, without whom the Easter resurrection story is meaningless, is apparently a sad reflection of a 'lowest common denominator' religious outreach of the Democratic party," said Richard Cizik, Vice President of Government Affairs for the National Association of Evangelicals, "Wake up and smell the Easter lillies [sic]! This kind of outreach will not pass the smell test of any evangelical."

They use "whom" properly, but they can't spell "lilies"? I'm wondering what Mr. Cizik's damage is here. I suppose Dean's referencing "Christians" in the original post isn't explicit enough? After all, who do Christians follow?

Well howsabout this? Dean writes: "During this time Christians are called to remember who they are as people of faith, and that even the greatest of evils will not have the last word." Isn't the greatest of evils he's referring to Death? And Death doesn't have the last word? And Easter is the time that we remember that? Ergo, Jesus' resurrection trumps the greatest evil? Or is all of this too esoteric? I know some in the conservative movement are not into "nuance." But really, you three dissenting gentlemen all have advanced degrees (according to your bios.) Surely you can unpack that simple phrasing. It's pretty basic English.

Am I wrong in thinking that the roots of Christianity are well-established enough that we know the basic story of Easter? And that essential knowledge begs the explicit recitation of "the story of Easter?" Apparently, I give our culture too much credit; I'll be sure not to do that in the future. Ultimately though, this message according to Mr. Gonzales fails because:

Dean and the DNC simply missed the target this Easter. The press release was astonishing because it's [sic] sole purpose was to acknowledge a religious holiday, yet it was painfully-worded to avoid being religious. If this press release was part of the Democratic Party's outreach to evangelicals, they probably would have been better off just skipping it altogether.

Actually Mr. Gonzales, what's astonishing is that you don't understand the difference between possessive pronouns and contractions. And equally astonishing--no one else responsible for your work seeing the light of day caught it (or any of your other errors), in both the Rothenberg Post or Political Wire, either. And you used to work at CNN, ABC, and the White House?


Anyway, here's my email to Andrew Sullivan:

Correct me if I'm wrong, I am a protestant after all, but wasn't the point of Christ's passion and crucifixion ultimately redemption for mankind? At least that's what my Methodist clergy relatives and friends seem to think. Are you quibbling over the ecumenical nature of his statement? Why can't the actual message of Easter be presented as valuable to people of all faiths? The notion of sacrifice and devotion to others is to be solely the provenance of Christian(ist)s? I also find it interesting you don't link Dean's own statement so we can read and evaluate for ourselves. Especially notable are the grammatical errors and the reliance on a dictionary for evidentiary support (which the author himself slams as an ill-regarded source) in the link you did provide. I expected better from my Freshman Composition students. I expect better from you. I'd think you would as well.

Apparently all that matters is that Jesus died and resurrected. Not what that death is supposed to mean. Nor Christ's own call for his apostles to be fishers of men and to evangelize. Nor the acts of conversion and grace that are held up as exemplary. Nor his admonishments on how we are to treat one another. Part of the appeal of Christianity is the mystery and message; by reducing Easter to this one base facet, they rob that day of its grace and its liturgical standing. In truth, they rob Christianity of its most basic tenets: Christ was the son of God; He came to Earth; He suffered and died upon the cross for the sins of men and was resurrected. His example, apparently, can only be appreciated by Christians.

But, ultimately, according to these gentleman: nope, none of that matters. Just rent Passion of the Christ and shut up, cause here comes the scourging and the dying. All that matters is Jesus died and resurrected for Christians, no greater meaning beyond that. And how dare anyone try to be inclusive. How dare we clueless Democrats mention the fact that other faith systems value some of the same things.