Labor Day Win

Abstinence Edumication works:

"We have been blessed with five wonderful children who we love with all our
heart and mean everything to us. Our beautiful daughter Bristol came to us with
news that as parents we knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever
planned. We're proud of Bristol's decision to have her baby and even prouder to
become grandparents. As Bristol faces the responsibilities of adulthood, she
knows she has our unconditional love and support."



"Bristol and the young man she will marry are going to realize very quickly
the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they will have the love and
support of our entire family. We ask the media to respect our daughter and
Levi's privacy as has always been the tradition of children of
candidates."

Meet the Feebles

I had the CNN YouTube republican debates on while I was at work. Sadly, the cable here doesn't carry Bravo, so I have to wait for one of the infinite repeats to watch Project Runway.

It was like every one of my drunk uncles got a suit and podium. Guns good! Brown people bad! Taxes bad! Hulk smash! O wait...the Hulk is a being of color, bad analogy. Surge surge surge! Send Hillary to Mars! (Sadly, I agree with that one.) Gays aren't even 3/5ths of a person! But Mike Hukabee wants their votes because they probably hate brown people too. I'm guessing that's what he means when he talks about shared values and principles that make us republican.

It's frightening to watch these hateful old white men trying to outdo one another to be the scariest and craziest. They have all the appeal of televangelists and chancre-ridden whores. Whores, however, have enough integrity not to behave as though they're fucking you because they like you. As long as they don't ooze on me, I can deal with whores.

Jigga WHA?

I've seen this a couple of other places but felt compelled to post...just in case we don't traffic the same sites. One aspect of the Conservative Right's arguments that I've always found fascinating vis a vis both liberals and homosexshuls is that we are apparently obSESSed with filth and doing the dirty. However...over at Conservapedia, you can look at their top 10 viewed pages. And what do we find?

Most viewed pages

1. Main Page‎ [1,929,132]
2. Homosexuality‎ [1,622,733]
3. Homosexuality and Hepatitis‎ [517,944]
4. Homosexuality and Promiscuity‎ [421,993]
5. Homosexuality and Parasites‎ [414,651]
6. Gay Bowel Syndrome‎ [400,250]
7. Homosexual Couples and Domestic Violence‎ [373,837]
8. Homosexuality and Gonorrhea‎ [332,044]
9. Homosexuality and Anal Cancer‎ [294,230]
10. Homosexuality and Mental Health‎ [293,375]

WOW. Just....WOW. Gay Bowel Syndrome? Is there even such a thing? Paging the doctors. Is this like irritable bowel syndrome but with shopping? What would Freud say about this list? A sociologist? An anthropologist? These people (if the site stats are true) are obsessed with what homosexshuls do. More so than I am.

So. If Conservapedia was created as the conservative palliative to Wikipedia, what would the godless liberal users of that site look at? Here's the 10 most viewed pages for 11/07 so far.

1. Main Page 27 543 000
2. Wiki 825 818
3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 376 636
4. Naruto 367 636
5. Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock 362 455
6. United States 301 909
7. Wikipedia 300 545
8. Deaths in 2007 292 909
9. Heroes (TV series) 280 636
10. Transformers (film) 277 091

The first mention of sex doesn’t even enter Wikipedia’s most viewed pages until number 17—list of sexual positions. And in the entire top 100 most viewed pages, there are only 8 pages that are even remotely related to sex, sexual intercourse, anatomy, etc. Most shockingly—there are no links directly to homosexuality (well…unless you count anal sex, but I’m not willing to budge on that one…it’s not strictly our domain. Even straight people have anuses.)

Another Bad Haircut Down

According to the AP, Sam Brownback is dropping out of the race for President. Pity...there weren't enough Brownback Mountain puns. Since Tancredo and Hunter have stitched up the "I Hate Mexicans More Than You" portion of the party, Brownback's departure leaves the "I Hate the 'Mos More Than You" sector up for grabs. Who'll take it? My money's on Fred Thompson. But...I noticed something peculiar while watching the MSNBC coverage of this story this morning. A bit of cognitive dissonance that could explain why Brownback didn't do so well with the GOP (besides being Catholic.)


Am I the only one who thinks this stylized "O" looks like a rectum spewing fireworks?

From the James "Beard" Files

This recipe from Congress Cooks! is not something I would ever prepare...but given the congressional c(r)ook and his choice of ingredients, it's just too good not to pass on....dare I say, toe tappin' good?

The Honorable Larry E. Craig

United States Senator, Idaho

Specialty Recipe

Super Tuber

Super Tuber is a great snack that uses one of my favorite vegetables: The Idaho Potato. Of course, I suppose any type of potato could be used, but I cannot guarantee that a Super Tuber made with anything but a true Idaho potato would taste as good. Sincerely, Larry E. Craig, United States Senator

Ingredients

1 hot dog, cook's choice

1 Idaho baking potato, 7 to 10 ounces

Mustard for dipping, any style

Other condiments as desired such as cheese sauce, sour cream, chili, chives, bacon pieces or black olives.

Wash and dry potato. Rub with shortening or butter. With an apple corer or small knife, core out the potato center (end to end). Push hot dog through the center. Bake until potato is cooked through.

To Microwave: Place on microwave safe plate; cover loosely (to avoid splatters). Microwave on high about 4 minutes per potato until fork tender.

To Bake in Conventional Oven: Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Bake for approximately one hour or until potato is fork tender.

To Barbecue: Wrap in aluminum foil and place above medium hot coals, turning at least once during cooking. Cook until potato is fork tender.

Serving Suggestions: Allow potato to cool slightly. Eat as a finger food, dipping in your favorite hot dog condiments (mustard is my favorite).

Suzanne Craig

Because It's Sunday

It's hard to know where to even start with this...because it's abusrd (which is why I love it)...eh...I'll just cut and paste the relevant info here...thanks AP for doin the heavy lifting.

Scandal Brewing at Oral Roberts U

TULSA, Okla. (AP) — Twenty years ago, televangelist Oral Roberts said he
was reading a spy novel when God appeared to him and told him to raise $8
million for Roberts' university, or else he would be "called home."

Now, his son, Oral Roberts University President Richard Roberts, says God is speaking again, telling him to deny lurid allegations in a lawsuit that threatens to
engulf this 44-year-old Bible Belt college in scandal.

Richard Roberts is accused of illegal involvement in a local political campaign and lavish spending at donors' expense, including numerous home remodeling projects, use of the university jet for his daughter's senior trip to the Bahamas, and a red Mercedes convertible and a Lexus SUV for his wife, Lindsay.

She is accused of dropping tens of thousands of dollars on clothes,
awarding nonacademic scholarships to friends of her children and sending scores
of text messages on university-issued cell phones to people described in the
lawsuit as "underage males."

[snip...just like the covenant of Abraham]

Among the charges of impropriety and misconduct are these doozies

_ A longtime maintenance employee was fired so that an underage male friend
of Mrs. Roberts could have his position.

_ Mrs. Roberts — who is a member of the board of regents and is
referred to as ORU's "first lady" on the university's Web site — frequently had
cell-phone bills of more than $800 per month, with hundreds of text messages
sent between 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. to "underage males who had been provided phones at
university expense."

_ Mrs. Roberts spent more than $39,000 at one Chico's clothing store
alone in less than a year, and had other accounts in Texas and California. She
also repeatedly said, "As long as I wear it once on TV, we can charge it off."
The document cites inconsistencies in clothing purchases and actual usage on
TV.

_ University and ministry employees are regularly summoned to the
Roberts' home to do the daughters' homework.

_ The university and ministry maintain a stable of horses for exclusive
use by the Roberts' children.

_ The Roberts' home has been remodeled 11 times in the past 14
years.

Blame Canada.

Oh...Lord...Go For It, Larry, Go For It.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the stall.

Pitard...Meet Hoist

The kids from New Hampshire's Concord High School quoted in this Yahoo News story need to moderate all future 2008 candidate debates. Seriously, they're hard asses. They certainly were not all impressed with John McCain.

An unflinching John McCain was told Tuesday by New Hampshire high school students he might be too old to be president and too conservative to be respected. McCain, the Arizona senator whose presidential bid has stumbled through the summer, countered the Concord High School students with humor.

"Thanks for the question, you little jerk," McCain joked back to one student who asked the 71-year-old about his age. "You're drafted."

[snip]

"If elected, you'd be older than Ronald Reagan, making you the oldest president. Do you ever worry you might die in office or get Alzheimer's or some other disease that might affect your judgment?" one student asked.

The audience groaned; McCain slid into a joke.

"I think it was one of my sons that alleged I'm getting to the point I hide my own Easter eggs," McCain said to laughter. "When you saw my 95-year-old mother (on a video introduction), you saw the kind of genes I have."

[snip]

Another student pushed him on gay rights; McCain repeated his pledge to oppose discrimination but support for traditional marriage.

"I came here looking to see a good leader," 16-year-old William Sleaster told McCain, earning himself boos from his classmates. "I don't."

McCain, a veteran of such candid exchanges in New Hampshire, smoothly pushed forward and told the crowd not to disrespect its peer.

"I understand. I thank you," McCain said. "That's what America is all about."

I'm noticing a trend developing among coverage of some of the GOPers by the press--they keep stressing that these guys are funny, that they have senses of humor. Is this going to be the humanizing quotient for 2008?

After all 2000 and 2004's, "who would you like to have a beer with" proved a sure winner.

Tea(room) for Two

Brian sent me this nifty little bit from Slate's Explainer column, addressing some of the issues regarding Larry Craig's (R, Middle Stall) recent misfortune that have not yet been beaten into the ground by the media.

Is tapping your foot really code for public sex?
Yes. The signal has been around for decades in the United States and Europe. Generally, one person initiates contact by tapping his foot in a way that's visible beneath the stall divider. If the second person responds with a similar tap, the initiator moves his foot closer to the other person's stall. If the other person makes a similar move, the first will inch closer yet again. The pair usually goes through the whole process a few times, just to confirm that the signals aren't an accident.

Next, one of the men will slide his hand under the divider. This usually means he's inviting the other person to present himself, as if to say, "Show me what you got." The partner can respond by kneeling on the floor and presenting his penis or rear end underneath the divider. Or he can swipe his own hand under the divider, as if to say, "You go first." Some married men make a point of displaying their wedding band (like Sen. Craig allegedly did) to make themselves more alluring.

[ed note: Frankly it'd take a helluva lot more than flashing a ring to make him "alluring" much less"more alluring"--but that's just personal preference.]

Is it wise to use a "wide stance" when you go to the bathroom?

No. When you're sitting on the toilet, spreading your feet and leaning forward tightens the levator ani muscles that control defecation. If you're having trouble passing stools, you should take the opposite of a wide stance, and lean back. Doctors recommend this technique to relax the bowel muscles.

Because It's Sunday

If you don't know the site Baptists For Brownback, check it out. It's one of the funniest pieces of parody I've found in a while. Here's a snippet of their Sunday Morning Prayer for the Children.

Dear Lord,

Our little ones will head off to school in the morning with brand new book bags, crayons, pencils, and tablets.

The lucky ones will be going to a private school where they will be taught by God-fearing, America-Loving educators who believe that a child’s mind is a terrible thing to waste. Sadly, the children from lower-income homes will be herded off to that den of iniquity known as the Public School System.

There they will be taught awful things and horrible lies, that no innocent little child should ever hear such as how their great-great-great-great grandparents were primates, that it’s OK to be Gay, that condoms and not abstinence prevent pregnancy, and that our Commander in Chief, President George Walker Bush, is a buffoon with a personal agenda.

[snip]

If it is your will, Papa Lord, close these babies minds to the left-wing lunacy that they will be exposed to and let this next generation our Your children grow up to be Right-Wing Christian Fundamentalists and staunch Republicans.

Truly, it's an anointed website.

Separated at Birth

Yeesh...

Pardon Me While I Choke On My Own Vomit

Apparently other [republican] people feel differently about Rev. Jerry's passing. From Newsday:

"Jerry has been a tower of strength on many of the moral issues which have confronted our nation." -- evangelist Pat Robertson.

"Dr. Falwell's shadow falls across the face of the rebirth of conservative values in our nation, in the Southern Baptist Convention, and in the entire evangelical world. Only once in a generation will a man of his stature arise. We all owe him a debt of eternal gratitude." -- Paige Patterson, president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas.

"An American who built and led a movement based on strong principles and strong faith has left us. He will be greatly missed, but the legacy of his important work will continue through his many ministries where he put his faith into action." -- Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

"Dr. Falwell was a man of distinguished accomplishment who devoted his life to serving his faith and country. Our thoughts and prayers are with Dr. Falwell's family at this difficult time." -- Republican presidential candidate and Sen. John McCain.

"His life is a testament not only to the power of faith to move hearts, but to the strength of the American ethos that stresses the importance of citizenship ... He was a great leader, a person totally sustained by his faith but able to work with many people from many different backgrounds without imposing rigidity on anyone else." -- Former U.S. House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

I'm speechless.

No...no...wait...it's coming to me...

So Much Crazy II: Dead White Bigot Edition

Hey--didja hear? Jerry Falwell died. I was imed that three times in less than 2 minutes.

And I've been scolded twice for being less than gracious regarding his passing.

The fact that such a hateful man (he did, after all, make Larry Flynt look sympathetic) could wrap himself in "god" and attain national prominence and influence is a surer sign of moral paucity and societal backsliding than a couple of leather bears kissing while a flotilla of drag queens toss rubbers from sparkly floats. The sad truth is his passing means nothing. His death, like the death of single termite, merely creates space for another just like him to take his place.

Some of his greatest hits:

I do not believe that God answers the prayer of any unredeemed Gentile or Jew.

After the September 11, 2001, attacks Falwell said on the 700 Club, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" ( PatRobertson concurred).

I listen to feminists and all these radical gals - most of them are failures. They've blown it. Some of them have been married, but they married some Casper Milquetoast who asked permission to go to the bathroom. These women just need a man in the house. That's all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they're mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They're sexist. They hate men - that's their problem.

The true Negro does not want integration...He realizes his potential is far better among his own race...We see the hand of Moscow in the background...We see the Devil himself behind it...It will destroy our race eventually...In one northern city, a pastor friend of mine tells me that a couple of opposite race live next door to his church as man and wife ...It boils down to whether we are going to take God's Word as final

Herpes, AIDS, venereal diseases ... are a definite form of the judgment of God upon a society.

Homosexuality is Satan's diabolical attack upon the family that will not only have a corrupting influence upon our next generation, but it will also bring down the wrath of God upon America.


AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals.

AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.

If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.

Textbooks are Soviet propaganda.

I truly cannot imagine men with men, women with women, doing what they were not physically created to do, without abnormal stress and misbehavior.

I think the Moslem [sic] faith teaches hate.

Falwell tells a pastors' conference in Kingsport, Tenn., that the Antichrist prophesied in the Bible is alive today and "of course he'll be Jewish."

[Tinky Winky] is purple - the gay-pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay-pride symbol.

I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be.

Update: Montgomery Maxton commemorates JF's passing in high style.
Update the Second: more can be found here.

Why I Love Baltimore

One more reason to love Charm City. Brian sent me this and it made me smile.

Fresh from the Baltimore Sun.
Check the comments...there's your 28% Mr. Bush. Jeebus. I've heard toy dogs yip and bark that were less shrill.

Rush Limbaugh billboard near I-83 defaced

Official: 'It looks like they took globs of paint and threw it on his face'

(Sun photo by Karl Merton Ferron)
May 10, 2007

Webjunk

Last week's Democratic debate failed to bring the crazy...most likely due to the fact that they only had 90 seconds (at most) to answer questions. Tonight it's the GOP's turn. Surely, in their zeal to prove that they love Amurka and hate the fags the most they'll come up with some winners. Go here to to get your virtual paper doll of Rudy in Drag (you can also dress up Obama, W and Hillary if you desire.) If you're going to be watching the debates tonight on MSNBC you can print out your own Conservative Failure Buzzword Bingo card and play as these 10 guys spout off. I'll bet you'll hit bingo before all 10 have even answered one question.

~*~

In an attempt to be hip, edgy and oh-so-Web 2.0, Hillshire Farms have launched an online campaign called Go Meat. This somehow manages to kill my love of sausage.

~*~

I'm sure these'll be big with the purity pledgin', daddy prom goin', abstinence girls in the South: Tampon Tasers.

Ladies can replace that monthly period with an exclamation mark as feminine hygiene goes lethal with The Pink Stinger, a taser/stun gun creatively disguised as a tampon...except for the buttons, prods and high voltage. This weapon of mass absorption aims to target a niche market consumer, that being the tampon wielding women who desire private and discreet security in a friendly familiar package.
The tampon taser/stun gun is the latest in portable and personal security systems. The beauty of this taser/stun gun, aptly named The Pink Stinger, is its ingenious design and ability to be concealed nicely and unassumingly into any purse for ultimate stealth. The taser's gentle glide zapplicator easily fits in the palm of your hand for incredible comfort and protection and ready for honorable discharge at a moments notice. In addition, its fresh floral scent helps eliminate the smell of fear, not just cover it up.

~*~

Andrew Sullivan is absolutely obsessed with "fat lesbians" this week. Methinks someone's CPAP is malfunctioning.

~*~

Christ, I need a drink

But Think of the Chiiiiiildren!

Lord. There's going to be a full length Simpson's movie...of course I figure most of you know that. Apparently, there's a brief bit where quelle horreur Bart Simpson is naked! Right wing folks are upset about this. See more here. Americablog has video as well.

Can we bring Dan Quayle back to discuss how naked cartoon boys are setting a bad example?

Because it's Sunday, the My Humps Mix

I bet he called him Spittles.
The 10,000 year old bones of a camel were found in Mesa, AZ during excavation for a future Wal-Mart. This camel is older than the earth itself (if you ask the right people.) So have we found evidence that God had a pre-Creation pet camel? And here's a fascinating insight into the camel from Conservapedia that Wikipedia somehow missed in its information-heavy, liberal bias.

Camels are brown and have 1 or 2 humps on their backs. In Muslim countries camels may be used to buy wives.

Haven't we heard this before?

The recently resigned Bush appointee Randall "Randy" Tobias claims that even though he ordered the services of prostitutes that there was no sex, just "massages." Of course, the fact that this is the guy in charge of AIDS policy who didn't believe in condoms as a means of preventing HIV transmission and who introduced a policy"that required any US-based group receiving anti-AIDS funds to take an anti-prostitution 'loyalty oath'" is busted for using the services of said working girls is delish. My favorite quote from Randy Tobias (wink wink)?

There had been "no sex," Ross quoted Tobias as saying, and that recently he has used another service, "with Central American gals," for massages.

Update: Somehow I managed to miss this appalling bit of info earlier:

[ABC reporter Brian]Ross added new details to that story tonight, recounting how he asked Tobias in a telephone interview “if he knew any of the young women, their names. He said he didn’t remember them at all. He said it was like ordering pizza.” Under President Bush, Tobias oversaw a program helping men in poor countries “develop healthy relationships with women.”

BTW--am I the only one who thinks he looks startlingly like Karl Malden?

Well I Guess We Can Say It's Genetic

Proving that the inarticulate apple doesn't fall far from the inarticulate tree, Ma and Pa Bush had a sit down with Larry King.

Here's what Babs had to say about Mitt Romney's electibility vis a vis his Mormonism:

"I mean it was in 1897 that bigamy was outlawed in that church," she said. "You know we have a lot of Christian wild people too, and a lot of Jewish wild people and a lot of Muslim wild people. The Mormon religion takes care of it's [sic] own, they don't have people on welfare.

I think I'ma just let all that wrongness sink in. Didn't she learn anything after her Hurricane Katrina statements came to light?

The funniest thing to come out the whole damned mess? Pappy Bush saying that we, the people might be suffering from "Bush fatigue."