Maybe Posh Has a Point

Maybe Victoria "Posh" Beckham has a point about the power of large sunglasses as an accessory.

Apologia Pro Ipse

Dear Baltimore, thank you for your hospitality.

I realize that making out-of-towners feel at home is sometimes difficult and we are sometimes not particularly gracious guests, so I feel like I should apologize for any of my lapses of tact and decorum during my stay.

To the Manager/Staff of Rite-Aid: I'm sorry that I chased a wet pigeon into your foyer during the snow storm on February 25. I never thought it would dart through the automatic doors.

To the impatient bitch in line at Eddie's Grocery on Eager Street: I realize from your cell phone conversation that you had something else to do and somewhere else you'd rather be. Forgive my temerity for being in line first. I'm sorry that you felt the need to mention that someone was in front of you five times in three minutes. I'm sorry that you need a better haircut and intensive conditioning. God forbid once I was out of your way and you were leaving you might have caught your foot in that hole in the sidewalk and fell on your already flat face.

To the driver of the white rape van on the beltway who cut us off: I'm sorry you didn't see us give you the finger.

To the unintelligible woman asking for directions at Wendy's: I'm sorry we couldn't understand a damned word that came out of your mouth and that caused us to be unhelpful.

To the counter girl at Wendy's: I'm sorry I miscounted and initially gave you $10.10 when I should have given you $11.10. I realize you can't see over the cash register without a step stool, but there's no need to shout.

I'ma Shaaaaave for You...

Who woulda thunk back in 2003 or 2004 that Christina Aguilera would be the stable one? According to Saturday Today and MSNBC.com, Britney Spears has shaved her head after bailing on rehab. PLUS--she got tattoos! Of lips! I'm not going to be that guy and make an obvious labia-related joke. Read all about it here. I'm curious to know if she got the tattoo ON her newly exposed pate, sort of a pop-tart hommage to the late Bam Bam Bigelow.

The Grammys

Some random notes on the 49th Grammy Awards.

Jamie Foxx--you're not as funny as you think you are...and the people in Ohio don't need that translated.

I now know what the bottom's perspective during missionary sex with Justin Timberlake is...ew. Trim your nose hair.

Beyonce--white flowers in your hair do not make you Billie Holiday. They don't even make you Diana Ross in Lady Sings the Blues.

James Blunt--Damien Rice has a new album. Go away now.

Fergie--Mary J. does not want you to hold her. But I bet you tinkled a little when you got to touch her.

Imogen Heap, Natalie Cole and Fergie all thought it was the 49th Annual Tranny Awards.

They should've gone all the way and made C-Lo Green look like Idi Amin. Forest Whitaker and Uganda would be juiced.

Xtina killed "It's a Man's World."

Mary J. took us to church again. Has she had a bad live Grammy's performance yet?

Fuck Nashville. Fuck jingoistic coun'ry music fans.

If Al Gore does run in 08 he's gonna have to explain hugging a bunch of ex-junkies.

On a personal note, I was thrilled to see "Jesus Take the Wheel" win a Grammy. I was also happy to see Lionel Ritchie sing "Hello." Now if the Police had only done "Every Breath You Take."

They're Not Diapers, they're MAGS

Maximum Absorption GarmentS.

I guess that's more technical and euphemistic than NASA Nappies.

And now, courtesy of Jossip, a rundown of the cable news takes on Lisa Marie Nowak.

“A brand-new mallet and a four-inch-long buck knife? You can`t really go anywhere these days without a buck knife and a brand-new mallet. Must have.” Nancy Grace, revealing what's in her purse, Nancy Grace

• “But I have to say this. If you`re headed to find your boyfriend`s girlfriend and you`re wearing a diaper, he`s just not that into you.” Greg Behrendt, on what turns guys off, Nancy Grace

• “I think that unless there is a medical reason for you to be wearing [diapers], if you are wearing them, you are enjoying it. I mean, let‘s be honest.” Tucker Carlson, justifying his love of Depends, Tucker

• “No, we‘ve even poked around on that a little bit. And certainly the NASA people have their own specially-made, government-issued astronaut gear for this purpose. But we don‘t know whether that was what they used for this, or whether it was just over the counter, typical gear you could get at, say, Target.” John Kelly, proving he knows way too much about adult diapers, Countdown

News of the Obvious

Is it fall 2002 all over again? Vanity Fair thinks so.

Rupert Murdoch, propagandist?

In space, no one can hear you cream...

NASA thinks they need to change things.

Space Cadet lauded as "a good role model for our daughters."

W. Winning hearts, winning minds.

Condi Rice, nice shoes: still incompetent. And what doe she have against cunning linguists?

A Bush involved with something illegal?

The Dirtiest Jehovah's Witness in the Western World

Apparently the New York Times spoke too soon. Now we have "Priapic Silhouette-Gate."

This is Prince we're talking about. He's the dirtiest Jehovah's Witness in this hemisphere
who's not named Jackson.

This is a man who wrote a song called "Pussy Control." Who sang: "now move your big ass round this way so I can work on that zipper, baby;" about a woman with used Trojans in her pockets; about Darling Nikki and her magazine; a song called "Sexy Motherfucker." Who managed to turn Sheena Easton into a moist ho with the song "Sugar Walls."

And they wonder if this image is intentional.

No word yet if Heather Wilson (R-NM) cried.

Maybe He Didn't Try Hard Enough

It took Pastor Ted 3 whole weeks to go from meth crazed butt lover to "completely heterosexual."
(Sidenote: I hit the story through Digg and the top paid link was "I Cured My Genital Warts.")

I have a feeling that his reprogramming was something like this, although I'd love it were it more like this.

Drivin' and Cryin--The Astronut's Playlist.

Here are the top 40 tracks for Astronut Lisa Nowak's drive from Houston to Orlando International Airport. She had to do something to pass the time and talking herself down certainly wasn't an option.

1. Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car—Billy Ocean
2. Every Breath You Take—The Police.
3. Obsession—Animotion
4. Jolene—Dolly Parton
5. To Make You Feel My Love—Garth Brooks
6. The More You Ignore Me (the Closer I Get)—Morrisey
7. I Drove All Night—Cyndi Lauper
8. You Belong to Me—Bob Dylan
9. She’s Got You—Patsy Cline
10. He’s Just My Bill—Oliver! Original Cast Recording
11. Can’t Get Next to You—the Temptations
12. One Way or Another—Blondie
13. 500 Miles—the Proclaimers
14. Who’s That Girl—Eurythmics
15. Behind the Wheel—Depeche Mode
16. Creep—Radiohead
17. ’97 Bonnie and Clyde—Tori Amos (Eminem cover)
    
18. Crazy in Love—Beyonce
19. Tiny Cities Made of Ashes (Live at the BBC)—Modest Mouse
20. Number 1 Crush—Garbage
21. Are You Lonesome Tonight?—Elvis Presley
    
22. Take Me Out—Franz Ferdinand
23. Always on My Mind—Willie Nelson
24. If I Had a Hammer—Peter Paul and Mary
25. You Oughta Know—Alanis Morrisette
26. In Your Eyes—Peter Gabriel
    
27. I Want You—Maddona w/Massive Attack (Marvin Gaye cover)
28. Sour Times—Portishead
29. Are You Gonna Go My Way—Lenny Kravitz
30. Closer—Nine Inch Nails
31. Livin’ La Vida Loca—Ricky Martin
32. Six Days on the Road—Sawyer Brown
33. I Wanna Come Over—Melissa Etheridge
34. Lovefool—the Cardigans
35. Jesus Take the Wheel—Carrie Underwood
36. Hopelessly Devoted to You—Olivia Newton John
37. I’ve Got My Mind Set on You—George Harrison
38. Drivin'—The Kinks
39. Does He Love You (Like He Loves Me)?—Reba McEntire
40. Hello—Lionel Richie

Taking It to Its Natural Conclusion

So many defenders of "traditional family values" say that the purpose of marriage is to have kids, to uphold the structure of civilization by upholding the traditional kernel of society the family, yadda yadda yadda. I wonder how they'll feel about this proposed law in Washington state.

The heart of the Washington Defense of Marriage Alliance's proposal is this:

The measure would require couples to prove they can have children to get a marriage license. Couples who do not have children within three years could have their marriages annulled.

All other marriages would be defined as "unrecognized," making those couples ineligible for marriage benefits.

After, all, why would anyone doubt the stability of a heterosexual family unit?

Today Just Gets Freakier

Star, the two-faced calf from Virginia has died.
No word yet if she was killed by a rival for her left face's affections.

I'll Never Understand Straight People

This is the guy that caused the Astronut to go on her trek to Orlando International Airport? In diapers? Is it just me or does he look vaguely like Bert from Sesame Street? Just in a jumpsuit.


Brian and I were discussing this--he made the point that it was a good thing that this was a crazy straight woman. Though the idea of insane, "Resevoir Dogs"-esque homoerotic NASA retribution is appealing, I gotta admit that I can't disagree with him.

...For Thy Love is Better than Meth

Apparently Jesus' favorite power-bottom tweaker is cured. But he says his Colorado Man-Whore Ministering was a one time thing...an assertion that doesn't quite match what he said in his statement to his church.

Ok he's off the cock--but what about the rock?

Embarrassment of Riches

Thank you jeebus for this crazy astronaut. I don't really know where to begin with this. So many songs presented themselves--quotes from "Space Oddity," "Rocket Man," "Space is the Place," "Planet Claire" all came to mind this morning when I saw them discussing this on MSNBC--and tho they'd have made a wry nod to pop culture and the fragility of the human condition they wouldn't have done justice to the sheer crazy at work here.

According to CNN, once apprehended, Nowak was found with: a wig and plastic bag containing a carbon dioxide-powered BB pistol, a tan trench coat in addition to a trench coat she threw away, a new steel mallet, a new folding knife with a 4-inch blade, 3 to 4 feet of rubber tubing, large plastic garbage bags and about $600 in cash. Also she was found with diapers and about half a dozen latex gloves.

Ok--some of this stuff makes sense--the trenchcoat and wig were apparently her super secret disguise kit. I'm guessing that when she wasn't playing Apollo 13, Nowak was a big fan of Days of Our Lives. The diapers she brought to avoid time-wasting stops at rest areas (let THAT sink in, considering she drove from Houston to Orlando, which according to Mapquest is about 972 miles.) The report says that Shipman saw Nowak in the trenchcoat appearing to follow her--nothing blends in in Florida like a trenchcoat, nothing. Personally, I think Shipman smelled her coming.

"Asked about the BB pistol, Nowak told police it "was going to be used to entice Ms. Shipman to talk with her," the report said.

"Mrs. Nowak stated that she was not trying to cause any bodily harm to Ms. Shipman and that she only wanted to scare Ms. Shipman into talking with her," the police report said."

Fine--that explains the BB gun. But what about the folding knife? The mallet? The tubing?

Hat tip to Eric for the CNN link.

Tat for Tarts

Excerpted from Yahoo News.

Faced with declining demand for their intricate doilies, the lacemakers of this Polish mountain community [Korniakow] came up with a solution: sexy underwear.

The business-boosting idea has given a new lease of life to Koniakow's 200-year-old cottage industry, but opponents say it is immoral and an insult to past customers...."Traditional lacecraft was too expensive, so it wasn't selling anymore. We weren't making a living. A friend jokingly said: 'Why don't you start making g-strings!'

"I took his word for it, and made one for myself and then for my friends. They were a hit," said Malgorzata Sanaszek.

Whether black, red or decked with flower motifs, and however little they leave to the imagination, the g-strings are made using handicraft techniques stretching back some two centuries in southern Poland.

But they have some advantages over traditional table ware.

"Making a g-string is even easier than making a tablecloth," said Krystyna Kaisar, an experienced lacemaker in her 50s.

A tablecloth can take between a week and six months to produce, depending on its size and detail. A g-string -- which sells for about 25 to 30 euros (32 to 38 dollars) -- takes about a day.

"It also brings in more money," said Kaisar.

Frankly...I think sexy is lost in translation. I don't know of any women who'd want a crotch doily.

Upon further examination--does the crotch look funny to you? and the placement of the heart? I think that could cause some unfortunate abrasion and chafing.

I've Got to Have This

Usually, I just end up sending the little automatic emails from Amazon in the trash. Rarely do I get info about something I'd actually really buy. But today, today was a good day.

I've known about this for a couple months now, thanks to Eric. He hooked me up with the stellar A John Waters Christmas and I cannot wait to get my grubby little paws on this. I love the cover art: the flipped collar, the red work pastoral backdrop, that disco-era pink marquee lettering.

According to the Amazon.com promo blurb, the selections on A Date are "all romantic seduction music I would play if I had you over."

There are no media player snippets available for preview yet, but the track list looks fantastic.

1. Tonight You Belong to Me - Patience and Prudence

2. Jet Boy Jet Girl - Elton Motello

3. Ain't Got No Home - Clarence "Frogman" Henry

4. I'd Love to Take Orders from You - Mildred Bailey,

5. In Spite of Ourselves - Iris DeMent, John Prine

6. All I Can Do Is Cry - Ike Turner, Tina Turner

7. Big Girls Don't Cry - Edith Massey

8. Imitation of Life - Earl Grant

9. Sometimes I Wish I Had a Gun - Mink Stole

10. Johnny Are You Queer? - Josie Cotton

11. Night Time is the Right Time

12. Hit the Road to Dreamland - Dean Martin

13. If I Knew You Were Comin' I'd've Baked a Cake - Eileen Barton,

14. Bewildered - Shirley & Lee

I've heard the Edith Massey cover of "Big Girls Don't Cry," it defies description; I'm hoping Mink Stole's "Sometimes I Wish I Had a Gun" delivers as well.

In related news, CourTV (those bastids) have not aired the "'Til Death Do Us Part" series yet; there's no upcoming airdate listed or any info regarding the series' status. Despite the fact that they've posted a press release about the show.

NJ sez: Don't Eat Our Squirrel

Or if you just have to have it--limit yourself to servings of the little critters no more than twice a week (less if you're a child or pregnant.) According to an AOL news story, there's a possibility that squirrels bagged near dumps are rich with lead.

A Murk An' Pall I See

Unbelievably, he said something during the State of the Union Adress I agree with; at least phonetically.

If You Go Out in the Woods Today, You're Sure of a Big Surprise

Brian sent me a link to this website, Kinkystore.com. Now, I don't know WHY he found this website, nor do I know HOW he got there--these are issues for a later time. What I do know is that under the banner ads for dungeon gear, ball spreaders, nipple clamps, electrified paddles and all the accoutrement your BD/SM enthusiast could desire they have--teddy bears. Leather bear teddy bears. There's some strange comingling of the sleazy and the cuddly goin' on here.



An almost Village People-esque assortment. Now your 4 year old dom-in-training can play with the bears as he sings "Macho Man." And not only are they soft and furry, he can learn to appreciate the fine craftmanship.

Painstakingly hand crafted attire in Genuine Leather and hardware with no attention to detail spared.

Real rivets, d-rings, snaps, chain, and buckles. Chaps really snap, restraints and garrison belt really buckle.

Cop Bear holds a baton and metal chest and hat badges read "Special Police". Master Bear's hat features chain detail over the top and across the front. Deluxe leather hats look just like the real thing, leather lined, completely removable and held in place with chin band.

All attire is genuine leather and completely removable.

Bears have fully movable jointed arms, legs, and neck so that they may assume any kinky position desired!

That's right--REAL RIVETS! Batons!

Or maybe your little girl can learn a new appreciation of Stevie Nicks as she plays with "Slave Girl" Bear and sings "Give to me your leather, Take from me my lace" with a new trenchant delivery.



But I worry about "Daddy Bear;" he looks like he could be permanently damaged because of his harness. Something just doesn't look...right. It's like the gopher from Caddyshack got kidnapped and taken to the Russian River for reindoctrination.



If they weren't so cost prohibitive I might be tempted to get a set and make my own all teddy-bear recreation of Madonna's "Justify My Love" video.

Nothing says dungeon to me like a leather quilt and some bondage bears in the corner.
I suppose though, they are more cuddly than the alternative.



(and yea I'm totally gunning to mess with people who're googling electric paddle, ball spreaders and nipple clamps.)

What Immor(t)al hand or Eye...

Could frame such fearful symmetry?



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