FUBAR

Driving home from work this morning I had NPR on. My radio has developed an exciting new glitch: it adjusts the volume automatically. Sometimes getting ear-bustingly loud, other times zeroing out almost immediately.

There was a story from the local NPR folks about the State Medical Examiner's office releasing the wrong body to a family for burial. I didn't get far in before the volume zeroed out and I couldn't increase the volume to hear the rest of the story. All I had was the opening sentence floating in my head for the rest of the drive. By the time I was home, I had a poem draft. This won't be up long.

aaaaand scene.

Twenty-Three Po-sit-ions in a One Night Stand

So researchers have apparently found 237 reasons for people to have sex.

Below the high/lowlights courtesy of AOL. The screen caps speak for themselves.

And thanks to the egalitarian, finger on the pulse of America census taking that AOL loves with their stories, they allow us to vote on top and bottom (heh...heh...heh) reasons for sex.

Frankly I'm surprised the "It was an initiation" and "To give someone a disease" options aren't on the list. Likewise..."horny." I wonder if "to shut them up", "to get a ride home," "a free meal," or "I needed a place to sleep" popped up at all.

Burn, Baby, Burn...

This week is proving to be an orgy of insane news. From AOL News.

Man Burns Down Trailer in Online Feud

ELM MOTT, Texas (July 26) - A Navy man who got mad when someone mocked him as a "nerd" over the Internet climbed into his car and drove 1,300 miles from Virginia to Texas to teach the other guy a lesson.

As he made his way toward Texas, Fire Controlman 2nd Class Petty Officer Russell Tavares posted photos online showing the welcome signs at several states' borders, as if to prove to his Internet friends that he meant business.

When he finally arrived, Tavares burned the guy's trailer down.

This week, Tavares, 27, was sentenced to seven years in prison after pleading no contest to arson and admitting he set the blaze.

[Snip]

The feud started when Anderson, who runs a haunted house near Waco, joined a picture-sharing Web site and posted his artwork and political views. After he blocked some people from his page because of insults and foul language, they retaliated by making obscene digitally altered pictures of him, he said.

Anderson, who went by the screen name "Johnny Darkness," traded barbs with Tavares, aka "PyroDice."

Investigators say Tavares boiled over when Anderson called him a nerd and posted a digitally altered photo making Tavares look like a skinny boy in high-water pants, holding a gun and a laptop under a "Revenge of the Nerds" sign.

Apparently, the Beat Does Not Go On

At least in the Broward County Penal System. From the Miami Herald. This story is truly an embarrassment of riches.

Inmate found guilty in masturbation trial

A Broward prisoner accused of committing a sex act while he was alone in his jail cell was found guilty Tuesday of indecent exposure.

Terry Lee Alexander, 20, unsuccessfully fought the charge, which had been brought by a female Broward Sheriff's Office detention deputy who saw him perform the sex act in his cell in November.

The sole witness in the case, BSO Deputy Coryus Veal, testified that Alexander did not try to hide what he was doing as most prisoners do. Veal saw him perform the act while she was working in a glass-enclosed master control room, 100 feetfrom Alexander's cell. There was no video tape or other witnesses.

[snip]

Alexander's attorney argued that the prison cell was a private place and that what Alexander was doing was perfectly normal.

''Did other inmates start masturbating because of Mr. Alexander?'' McHugh asked Veal. ``Did you call a SWAT team?''

''I wish I had,'' Veal answered.

Veal, who has charged seven other inmates with the same offense, insisted that she was not against the act itself -- just the fact that Alexander was so blatant about it. Most inmates, she testified, do it in bed, under the blankets.

Veal said this was the third time she caught Alexander, and she had had enough.

[snip]

He also said that none of the jurors had a problem with the sex act, per se.

The case drew snickers in the courtroom, especially during jury selection, when prospective jurors were quizzed about their own habits.

Defense attorney Kathleen McHugh faced 17 prospective jurors and asked point-blank who among them had never done that particular sex act.

No hands went up.

The website How Appealing goes a littler further detailing the Defense's line of questioning regarding prospective jurors' hand-hockey habits.

During jury selection Wednesday in the case of inmate Terry Lee Alexander, all seven jurors admitted to attorneys that they have masturbated. The awkward questioning was posed by defense attorney Kathleen McHugh, who faced 17 prospective jurors and asked point-blank who among them had never masturbated. No hands went up. Then, she went one-by-one, asking each prospective juror if he or she had ever masturbated. All nine men said yes, two of the 10 women said no."

Emphases mine.

Front Page News

This is the front page picture in my local paper.

hat tip to Amy.

Those Whacky Russians

When they're not conducting shady arms deals, appointing warlords or assassinating dissidents, those guys in Russia sure do love readin' about sex. From the Pravda English site.

A sample of the headlines and their accompanying teaser text.

Women pretend to be stupid to make men feel masculine and strong

Women’s logic has been the subject of numerous articles bearing the negative connotation only. Men authors tend to have similar opinions about women's memory and mental talents. Some men may even say that a woman is men's best friend. If you try to listen to any conversation in a group of men, you will inevitably hear some of them saying that women cannot be taken seriously as many of them are stupid...

Women imitate orgasm to please men, men simulate in bed to please themselves

We still live in the good old patriarchal society no matter what we think of it or how civilized it may look to us. Ladies need to bear it in mind that sexual intercourse is something they cannot avert. Taking pleasure in sex is better than having sex without any pleasurable sensations...

Yes ladies bear in mind...sexual intercourse is something you cannot avert.

Male phobias: what are the bravest men afraid of?

Men are not afraid of anything. They are not afraid of mice, cellulite, or sexual harassment. However, men do have their secret fears, the ones they would rather keep to themselves. Women can only speculate about those phobias.

British woman suffers from orgasms every 5 minutes

Young British woman Ellie Allen experiences an orgasm every 5 minutes. Any kind of vibration, even a small one, causes the most violent reaction in the British girl’s body. The poor girl doesn’t know where to turn anymore to get away from this misery, which is ruining her whole life.

18 things men hate about sex most

18 most common mistakes women make in sex
Men hate women who talk too much in bed and are obsessed with their looks...Here they are, 18 most common mistakes women make in bed. Men want you to learn about them. You may notice that some of the points seem to have no relation to sex at all. However, this is what puts the men off and makes you less attractive. That is why these points are as important as sexual complaints

Things That Make Me Smile

Bjork's Spumco animated video for "I Miss You" (I wanted to post that and just be done with it, but the samples on YouTube were lacking.) Oh, yea, she has a new album coming out in May.

Cats that look like Hitler.

Lil' Kim rapping about cunnilingus.

The Conservapedia website in general and the Bonobos Chimpaneze entry in particular.

The words skosh, gimcrack, poetaster, kerfuffle, hullabaloo, yes and happy hour drink special (in no particular order.)

Vermont.

Ironically Enough, a Story from "the Intelligencer"

According to the Wheeling Intelligencer, a Martin's Ferry, Ohio man asked a friend to shoot him in order to avoid a court appearance for a rape charge. The gunshot victim, John Amos, apparently “...thought it would be best if he were shot. They drove to the location, and Mr. Amos told Houston, ‘If you don’t shoot me, I’ll shoot you.’ They struggled for the gun, and Amos guided Houston’s hand to his stomach, and Houston pulled the trigger ... You couldn’t make this stuff up.”

No, no you couldn't.

Amos, his wife, and Houston have all been arrested.

From "The Daily Dish"

I read a lot of political blogs and among my daily pull list is Andrew Sullivan's Daily Dish. On a lot of issues I find him infuriating, but he is at least a conservative with a functioning philosophy that's not just ideology or dogma. He has a post up ("The Barbarians") about sectarian bombing attacks in Iraq. Yesterday a book market was targeted. The accompanying photo for the post is stunning and there is a trenchant quote from an Iraqi poet. Click here for the original post.

Take Your Protein Pills and Put Your Helmets On

At long last, our national nightmares are over: Anna Nicole is interred, Britney may or may not be scribbling 666 on her head in rehab (if you believe the British press), and Scooter Libby's been found guilty on 4 of 5 counts. But what's next for my favorite space case, Lisa Nowak. We know she's not being charged for attempted murder. Today's Orlando Sentinel has an article with email snippets from Colleen Shipman's emails to Bill Oefelein giving us some framing for the story.

Frankly the snippets released in the story have me siding with Nowak on this. From the Sentinel's story:

"First urge will be to rip your clothes off," reads one of the notes from Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman to Oefelein while he was aboard shuttle Discovery in December. "But honestly, love, I want you to totally and thoroughly enjoy your hero's homecoming."

***

During his 13-day mission as the pilot of Discovery, he carried a charm given him by Shipman and photographed it floating inside the shuttle cabin, records show. He later e-mailed the picture to Shipman, but she had trouble seeing the trinket.

"I don't see the charm though! *pant, pant*," Shipman e-mailed back to Oefelein. "It's like those erotic hidden picture games that they have at the bar ..... only you're fully clothed in the picture."

***

Oefelein previously had given Nowak a key to his Houston apartment as well as his password for access to his home computer, he said. Police found copies of his password as well as Shipman's handwritten flight itinerary from Houston to Orlando when they arrested Nowak at the airport, records show.

During a visit to Oefelein's apartment, Shipman told police she noticed some information about Nowak saved on his computer. He explained that Nowak sometimes used his computer, Shipman said.

"I told him that it made me very uncomfortable and it made me want to pull away from this relationship cause it made me think that he didn't quite cut ties maybe," Shipman said in her statement.

A few days later, Shipman's concern proved prophetic.

"We went to a club in Houston," Shipman recalled in her interview with police. "And then we came home and we had a few drinks, and we were laying in bed and he called me Lisa."

Not That Guy

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 3,545 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

I go by my initials--have since I was a kid, but my given first name is Robert. I generally only use it for business-related purposes. It's also a nice dodge to ward off unwanted calls--if someone calls wanting "Robert," "Bob," or "Rob" Gibson I know I pretty much don't want to talk to them. And if they ask if they can call me "Bob" or "Rob" I make it pretty clear that no, in fact, they can-friggin'-not. But I digress.

My name being relatively common has lead to little bits of confusion in my daily life: being told at the DMV that I could not have a license because it was suspended (turned out it was another Robert Gibson in the southern part of the state) and most frequently receiving calls, bills, and mail for some other Robert Gibson from my doctor's office. Apparently they don't bother to check files against their databases. Needless to say, it's annoying when these little things happen.

It's another thing entirely to find out that one of my namesakes, one of the 3,544 other Robert Gibsons is a criminal.

(Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority)

I have to admit though, I admire his patience. $40,000.00 one token at a time. From the Boston Globe:

After working 20 years as an MBTA electrician, retiree Robert Gibson was accused today of spending much of his career slowly stealing from the transit authority, quarter by quarter, token by token -- taking just enough so no one would notice as he repaired fare collection boxes....

Gibson drew the attention of investigators when he was spotted on several occasions pumping handfuls of tokens into fare vending machines at Wellington station. He was adding the tokens, each worth $1.25, onto CharlieCards, which hold a value of up to $100. Surveillance cameras filmed him depositing at least $3,500 in tokens onto 45 CharlieCards, they added.

When MBTA police went to Gibson's home Thursday, authorities said he confessed and led police into his basement. Investigators said they found more than $40,000 in coins and tokens wrapped in small paper bags from local coffee shops and stashed in 17 plastic jugs, each large enough to hold 5 gallons.