Seasons Greetings

Since the photo retrospective of christmas decorations didn't work out, I decided I'd spend the next week posting the christmas tunes I just can't live without each year.

First up is the classic David Bowie, Bing Crosby duet "Little Drummer Boy/Peace On Earth" from the late 70s. Drunk Crosby and Coked out Bowie...what else could more truly capture the season?

Charm Free

I got caught up this afternoon on the last couple of Project Runway episodes. Every week I find myself wanting to hunt down Tim Gunn and assault him for that line in the first episode about the breadth and depth of talent in this pack of competitors. Horse hocky.

I can understand the production company wanting to steer away from persona heavy drama this season--rather like Top Chef did this past season. Give us strong creative people with points-of-view and let their work speak for itself. Fine--it's a good idea. In Top Chef's case it worked this season. So far, for me anyway, Project Runway is falling flat . Except for Christian and crazy Elise, these people seem to need drugs or serious personality implants. Ok--Victorya is a passive aggressive bitch but that's not personality and it's not why I hate her (her first two outfits are all the reason I need. Metallics and coordinating flower/bow/knot things...gag. If you can get to a Steve & Barry's and see her winning design for the Sarah Jessica Parker challenge do it. It looks like a burlap sack raped a painter's smock. Hidjeous. The racer back vest is almost cute. Almost. But there's maybe 5 people in the western hemisphere it would look good on.) Ultimately though it's the sheer boring clothes that makes me stop part-way through and think "Why am I watching this again?" I can't remember from week to week who did what. There's no fear of Nina or Kors going off on clothes being too editorial. It's all safe middle-of-the-road bleh.

Done and Done

This has been a frightfully productive week. It's unnerving.

I got my aquarium broken down, re-substrated, replanted and functioning pretty well. At least none of the fish are dead. Got my car serviced (well...they're still waiting on a part for the radiator.) Got some poems done and am just about ready to send out more packets. I'm spent.

~*~

I'm working a graveyard shift. 11pm to 7 am. I sleep while it's still light out. Better than at night. It's bizarre. Most nights I wake up 3 or 4 times. Twice if I'm very lucky. Lately I only wake up once (unless I forget to turn off the phone which happened today "Hello?" (background noise static static) "HELLO." "Hi, this is LaShawn from Verizon, could I speak to Rob." "There's no Rob here." Click. I hate when people ask for Rob, or Bob, thinking that those are the default settings for the name Robert. All you're doing is pissing my happy ass off, insuring that I won't listen to your spiel or even consider buying what you're selling. Seriously--who tells these poor people that sort of plastic familiarity is charming? I feel the same way about overly-attentive, perky, chatty wait staff. I don't want you crouched down at my level. I don't care what you think about an entree unless I ask. It's not going to help your tip. Actually, I'll be more likely to tip better if you come and go as unobtrusively as possible. Check on our drinks, see if we want coffee or dessert then get the hell outta there. I know I'm not like most people--but seriously, this aggressively friendly, overly familiar stuff has got to go.

~*~

Project Runway Season 4 started tonight. All I can say is "Meh." I've got no real dog in this fight...which is strange, because I usually latch onto people the first episode. Way way way too much metallic fabrics. Very 80s cuts and proportions on a lot of the outfits. If this is where fashion is heading, then I'll just check out til next season. I lived through the 80s once. I don't want to go back. It's fun to have this back though. Brian and I always post mortem the episodes on the phone before he goes to bed. We don't agree on things...and we rarely like the same people, but it's fun. Just being able to be snarky and funny together is a great gift. Best line of the night: Heidi Klum saying "She looked like she was pooing fabric down the runway."

~*~

My arrangements are all set for AWP. I got all my confirmations via email today. Huzzah! I'm frightfully excited. It's my first one. And I'm trying to remember the last time I was in NYC. It had to be at least 10 years, 12 hair colors and 3 dress sizes ago.

Modes

Ach du Lieber! Chris Crocker...you know...the "leave Britney alone" guy from YouTube...has a tv development deal for a show called (I shit thee not) "The Chris Crocker Experience." More here. (h/t Brian.)

~*~

New poems cooking. Working early drafts in long hand, this round. It's always curious to me when I change how I work as the poems generate...sometimes it just has to be hand-written. There's a difference in how the poems turn out for me.

~*~

Tuesday night I went to a reading that was positively divine. A much better experience than my brush with kulture the previous week. A totally different style of reading and presenting poems than I generally see, and all the more exciting for that fact. Very performative and joyous. Not overly solemn or "meaningful." Declaimed from memory (a talent I just do NOT have, despite doing theatre) and much talk about "saying" the poems as opposed to "reading."

Sex & Candy

A couple of choice snippets from today's Savage Love column from the Onion's AV Club.

"The percentage of teenagers having intercourse began to plateau in 2001 and has failed to budge since," wrote the Washington Post. "Experts are unsure of the reasons for the change, but [point to] the possibility that some irreducible portion of the teenage population can never be dissuaded from having sex."

**

I'm a 27-year-old lesbian, and my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. When I moved out, I left the sex toys I knew were hers and took the rest. The first night she was back after I left, she texted me to ask for specific toys back! I made some insensitive comments about how I took the toys because I thought I might find someone who actually wanted to have sex with me, and she got angry. I ended up giving her all the toys back because I didn't want them any more after the argument.

What should the etiquette be around sex toys when two women break up, especially when strong feelings are involved?

Babe In Toyless Land

Have two women ever broken up without strong feelings being involved?

The etiquette around the division of sex toys after a breakup is the same that applies to the division of any property post-breakup, BITL. The splitting couple has a tense discussion about divvying up their shared property; if an agreement can't be reached, they sue the shit out of each other. It would be foolish to sue an ex over a dusty collection of strap-ons and vibrators, of course, as replacing the average sex-toy collection would be less expensive than a lawsuit. But exes have taken each other to court over dumber shit—custody of dogs, cats, kids, etc.

~*~

The AV Club also has an interview with the inimitable Mink Stole.

~*~

A friend of my mother's gave me more than 75 1.5 oz. boxes of Jelly Belly Sours. That's almost 9 lbs of jelly beans! What the hell? My pancreas is shutting down preemptively.

~*~

Tomorrow I brave the WV DMV to renew my license. If this is anything like the experience I had 5 years ago, I will have one helluva rant tomorrow evening.

~*~

I discovered 4 perfectly white hairs in my beard yesterday. Not blonde, not gray...white. It's time to shave. Daily. Until I die.

In related news: 21 shopping days remain until my birthday.

Tune In

To Spike TV Sunday Night at 9:00 pm for the first episode of the new series The Kill Point. They filmed in Pittsburgh and my friend Minda is an extra...no idea how much screen time she gets but I'm hoping to see her in her kick-ass FBI togs.

The show's directed by Steven Shill who, according to his IMDB bio, has done episodes of Rome, The Sopranos, Big Love, Dexter, Deadwood, The Wire and Carnivale for the cable nets. He's also done some (less impressive) network stuff. I'm wondering where this series will fall in terms of style, substance and production values..I'm sort of hoping that Spike's going for a series more akin to The Shield rather than Blade.

Too Darn Hot

In honor of the swelter I give you one of the stranger (which is saying something) covers of a Cole Porter tune from the Red Hot and Blue CD. Erasure doing, "It's Too Darn Hot."

Separated at Birth

Donatella Versace,
designer, jetsetter, collagen addict

AND



Janice,
guitarist for Dr. Teeth & the Electric Mayhem

ProFormative 2

Chales Nelson Reilly died.

That makes me sad. He was a fixture of my childhood--I loved him on Lidsville--and one of the most visible gay men on telly in the 70s. I loved game shows as a young'un--Match Game, Hollywood Squares, and The Gong Show were particular favorites. I didn't get the jokes, I never had an inkling why I liked CNR, Paul Lynde, Waylon Flowers and Madame or Jaye P. Morgan so much, but I did. I didn't enjoy those shows nearly as much when they weren't on the panels. Would anyone in their right mind prefer George Gobel or Kitty Carlisle?

When I was in grad school I was always threatening to write a series of essays about the gaying of America through game shows. I didn't recognize the panelists as gay (or myself at the time--I was barely in grade school) but I recognized that they were different and it appealed to me in a deep way. I could do without some of the camp trappings, I'll just chalk that up to a generational difference, but fundamentally they informed my sense of humor and my ideas of what's funny.

I think I'm going to check the Game Show Network and see if Match Game is on.

On the level

I just took the Dante's Inferno Test and am a little surprised. I thought I'd be in level 4 or 8....maybe level 2...but instead I'm in 6. I never considered myself particularly heretical...it always seemed to me one needed to consciously disavow or undermine an orthodoxy to be a heretic...but who knew. Wanna see if we'll be infernal roomates? Go here.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Pro Formative

Aaron's thoughtful response to my 5 favorite songs tag reminded me that I've never blogged this.

I've mentioned my love for Annie Lennox here before, but I've never really gone into why I think she's so fabulous. Short version: Annie Lennox made me queer. Not gay in the "I like to kiss boys" sense, but queer in the "Androgyny is hot and dangerous" sense. Earlier this year I did an essay and poem about her for an anthology of gay men on their divas and I cite this performance from the 1984 Grammys as being formative.

It was--I kindasorta liked the Eurythmics before that night, but after watching their version of "Sweet Dreams" where she does her best drag--I was hooked. Something vague went off in my head and I felt connected. The discomfort and squirming my mom and sister exhibited seeing her pass as a man probably helped. Since then I've realized the value in making your audience just the teensiest bit uncomfortable and try to exploit it whenever I can.

What's fascinating to me, now, 23 years later, is that some people still don't realize it's her. Check some of the comments in the versions posted on Youtube. Really--astonishing.

Anyway, enough of this, on to the show.

What I'm Listening To

There's a bit of doggerel in Stephen King's Misery that has stuck in my head since I read the book eons ago: Annie the mom, Annie the goddess, when Annie's around you better stay honest; that's always somewhere in the back of my mind when Annie Lennox is involved.

Palate Cleansers

Now that all that other stuff is outta my system here's some pop culture fluff for y'all.

In the grand (?) tradition of miniKiss, the Misfats and AC/DShe there's now Mini-Britney!

Terra Jole is a 26-year-old 4'2" little person who tours the country doing a 45-60 minute show as Britney. (I am refraining from taking any of Mrs. Federline's song titles and using size-ist puns for a punch line, but trust me, I have a few.) The Mini Britney link above is to DListed.com which has video of Terra in action.
(hat-tip to Brian)

~*~

Earlier I posted a L'il Kim video. As much as I love Kim, I'm crazy about Missy Elliot. I love "I'm Really Hot" from This Is Not a Test. Enjoy.

Kill Bill + subtitles + full-face makeup + krumping= Genius

My favorite lyric from the song?

Look,let me move to the left
Go head, let me feel myself
Touch my chest my sweat
Show that d.j. how I shake my breasts
Jiggle,jiggle,jangle
Watch how my gluteus dangle
I do a 1-2 step,STOP
No, I ain't done yet.

Save Me from Myself

Despite listening to a whole lot of American Doll Posse today I have the execrable Michael Bolton ditty "How am I Supposed to Live without You" stuck in my head.

Junk Drawer

Last night I woke up about 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. Flipped through channels trying to find anything that might be watchable. VH-1 Classic had a Siouxsie and the Banshees video. I enjoyed it, but it seemed to unsettle the cats. Click. Switched to the menu function to see if there was anything that caught my eye. FMC was showing The Gay Deception. That almost seemed promising...but instead it's some movie from 1935 about a woman who comes into a lot of money; not about Ted Haggard or others like him. No Star Trek or any National Geographic or History Channel documentaries that I wanted to watch. So I ended up on MSNBC watching Alexandra Pelosi's (daughter of "San Francisco Liberal Values" Speaker of the House Nancy (who happens to have a street near the Inner Harbor in Baltimore named for her)) Journeys With George, her documentary about travelling with W. during the 2000 election. It was startling in a lot of ways. I reccomend it, though sometimes I found myself getting pissy and flipping back to music videos.

I finally saw the Beyonce & Shakira video. Amazing how effortless it seems for Shakira to be sexy and in control of her own body. Beyonce just worked so hard. Even with a wind machine blowing her to hell and back she didn't pull it off. If she screws like she dances I pity Jay Z--especially if that's her "sexy" face. I need the Shakira album.

At some point I fell asleep. Dreamed (twice !) about being at a prom-like function. I wasn't in formal wear but a blazer, a baggy madras plaid shirt, slacks and (big gay inhale) sandals! I kept running into the daughter of a former coworker and said the same thing each time: "I haven't seen you in ages." She had on too much eyeliner (which only accentuates her lazy eye) and a fuschia sequined gown with assymetrical shoulders. The left shoulder was a mass of dyed-to-match maribou and feathers. It resembled nothing so much as tumorous cotton candy.

~*~

My thighs hurt like hell. It's deceptively sunny out. Chilly. This is just not cricket. Sunny means warm, dammit.

~*~

Poems have been coming but then stalling out about 8 lines in. I'm leaving them in the cannibal file and hoping that I can go back and work with them. They feel promising when I'm drafting but aside from the initial flash, there's nothing. Distressing.

Webjunk

Last week's Democratic debate failed to bring the crazy...most likely due to the fact that they only had 90 seconds (at most) to answer questions. Tonight it's the GOP's turn. Surely, in their zeal to prove that they love Amurka and hate the fags the most they'll come up with some winners. Go here to to get your virtual paper doll of Rudy in Drag (you can also dress up Obama, W and Hillary if you desire.) If you're going to be watching the debates tonight on MSNBC you can print out your own Conservative Failure Buzzword Bingo card and play as these 10 guys spout off. I'll bet you'll hit bingo before all 10 have even answered one question.

~*~

In an attempt to be hip, edgy and oh-so-Web 2.0, Hillshire Farms have launched an online campaign called Go Meat. This somehow manages to kill my love of sausage.

~*~

I'm sure these'll be big with the purity pledgin', daddy prom goin', abstinence girls in the South: Tampon Tasers.

Ladies can replace that monthly period with an exclamation mark as feminine hygiene goes lethal with The Pink Stinger, a taser/stun gun creatively disguised as a tampon...except for the buttons, prods and high voltage. This weapon of mass absorption aims to target a niche market consumer, that being the tampon wielding women who desire private and discreet security in a friendly familiar package.
The tampon taser/stun gun is the latest in portable and personal security systems. The beauty of this taser/stun gun, aptly named The Pink Stinger, is its ingenious design and ability to be concealed nicely and unassumingly into any purse for ultimate stealth. The taser's gentle glide zapplicator easily fits in the palm of your hand for incredible comfort and protection and ready for honorable discharge at a moments notice. In addition, its fresh floral scent helps eliminate the smell of fear, not just cover it up.

~*~

Andrew Sullivan is absolutely obsessed with "fat lesbians" this week. Methinks someone's CPAP is malfunctioning.

~*~

Christ, I need a drink

But Think of the Chiiiiiildren!

Lord. There's going to be a full length Simpson's movie...of course I figure most of you know that. Apparently, there's a brief bit where quelle horreur Bart Simpson is naked! Right wing folks are upset about this. See more here. Americablog has video as well.

Can we bring Dan Quayle back to discuss how naked cartoon boys are setting a bad example?

Panty Day

Mere moments after posting the "I Feel Pretty" post I see two underwear-related links on AOL.

The New York Times reports that mens' novelty knit undies are big business.

And Page Six reports that the oh-so-secretive Anderson Cooper showers in his underwear so that no au naturel photos get out. Boxer briefs, apparently.

I Feel Pretty

Occasionally I get bored so I do those Tickle Tests online to pass the time. I also end up getting some delightful mass market emails out of it. Like today's gem: GUIDE TO LOVE: The Art of Lingerie. Yes yes yes. I now know how to coordinate my day/evening lingerie options with my zodiac sign. Thank you god. I've always wondered. The great thing is, I'm born on the cusp of Leo and Virgo, so I have double the shiny panty options. Sadly, this week's installment only goes Aries to Virgo...I have to wait until next Friday to find out what everyone from Libra to Pisces needs.

From the website:

The Art of Lingerie by Sign (Part 1)

Express yourself by day and night

Pretty lingerie is highly underestimated when it comes to the power it has to spice up your life. Make your fantasies come true with one of life's great pleasures, by exploring the universe of lingerie - astrologically. Your sun sign can predict the looks that will help you feel good all under, all day. Plus, it can bring you compliments and kisses in your boudoir at night.

[snip]

Leo: Flaunt It
Hi-end designer to-die-for-lingerie is always next to your skin both day and night.You won't spare any expense to look rich and sexy under your clothes, even if you're the only one who knows it. For the boudoir, be daring in anything tastefully sexy, from a bustier set that's elegant, not trashy, to a flamboyant little costume that shows off your best assets, in your favorite theatrical color - gold.

Virgo: Sexy to Perfection
Neat, classic and unfussy, Virgo's prefer to be perfectly pulled together with the most stylishly functional lingerie underneath - but remember matched sets can come in some perfectly yummy under-things, too. Confident Virgo gals also understand the magic of layering as a tactic to get a lover to dig for her buried passions. Leave your dressing room in a new silk robe and lace chemise in one of your feel-good shades of navy, sable or black, and he'll be undressing you layer, by layer in no time.

So lessee: bustier, flashy little costume, layering, sable/black/gold...that leaves me with this:

Madness/Genius

Here's some YouTubeage of the new Bjork/Timbaland collabo "We Are the Earth Intruders." It has a very Post feel, industrial-lite and dancey. It's also available now at iTunes.