Dear Baltimore, thank you for your hospitality.
I realize that making out-of-towners feel at home is sometimes difficult and we are sometimes not particularly gracious guests, so I feel like I should apologize for any of my lapses of tact and decorum during my stay.
To the Manager/Staff of Rite-Aid: I'm sorry that I chased a wet pigeon into your foyer during the snow storm on February 25. I never thought it would dart through the automatic doors.
To the impatient bitch in line at Eddie's Grocery on Eager Street: I realize from your cell phone conversation that you had something else to do and somewhere else you'd rather be. Forgive my temerity for being in line first. I'm sorry that you felt the need to mention that someone was in front of you five times in three minutes. I'm sorry that you need a better haircut and intensive conditioning. God forbid once I was out of your way and you were leaving you might have caught your foot in that hole in the sidewalk and fell on your already flat face.
To the driver of the white rape van on the beltway who cut us off: I'm sorry you didn't see us give you the finger.
To the unintelligible woman asking for directions at Wendy's: I'm sorry we couldn't understand a damned word that came out of your mouth and that caused us to be unhelpful.
To the counter girl at Wendy's: I'm sorry I miscounted and initially gave you $10.10 when I should have given you $11.10. I realize you can't see over the cash register without a step stool, but there's no need to shout.